Walking on the golf course has become increasingly popular because of Covid-19 precautions and other factors. Beware, however, of certain golfer guys that will annoy the heck out of you.
1. Staff Bag Guy
He won the staff bag in an incentive sales contest with his company and he’s damn sure gonna use it, even on a par three course. With his name emblazoned on the front, this guy reminds me of the proud Baby Boomer Corvette owner. You know, the guy with the Van Dyke beard that pulls up to a red light and is just dying for you to admire his candy apple Vette. There is absolutely no reason to carry a staff bag on a par three or short course, but don’t tell this guy.
2. Healthy Walker Using Medical Cart Guy
Some short courses have just a few driving carts for players with medical maladies like bad knees, heart problems, etc. However, these rude, physically fit golfers feign some sort of health problem so they can snag a cart, load up a few brewskis, slam their lids on backwards and party on.
3. Too Much Equipment Guy
On most par threes or short courses you’ll use between five to seven different clubs. However, this guy shows up with four different wedges and metal woods he’ll never use. Add to all his clubs, this poor slug usually has a ball retriever, a suction cup on the bottom of his putter, iron covers and a dog face driver headcover that resembles his canine named “Bogey”.
4. Bewildered International Traveler Guy
This is typically an out-of-shape American golfer with a beer gut boiler who must have a driving cart to play the game. Problem is, when the ol’ Chubster ventures to Scotland or Ireland to play golf, he’s going to have walk on sometimes wildly undulating terrain. Before the trip, Chubs is telling his fellow trip mates, let’s play 36 a day. He quickly finds out after walking just nine holes that he’s totally gassed and will barely make it through 18, much less 36.
5. Remote Control Pull Cart Guy
These are really popular in Europe, but some Americans are becoming converts. I detect a certain arrogance from these guys as they stroll confidently past the struggling golfer carrying his bag. I guess there’s a certain amount of envy by golfers like me who don’t want to fork out upwards of 2 grand for one of these electronic caddies. Great thing is, I guess, the remote control carts don’t mutter some sarcastic comment under their breath (like some human caddies do) when you shank one 50 yards into the woods.
6. Tricked Out Pull Cart Guy
This guy’s pull cart is loaded with all sorts of amenities. He’s got multiple drink holders, a place for his tees and balls and even a tray where he can place his extra cheesy nachos or fully loaded hot dog he habitually gets at the turn.
7. Overloaded With Beer Guy
Some golfers view par threes and short courses like an outdoor turf bowling experience. The goal, I assume, is to knock down a brewski per hole. Consequently, hops and barley guy has stashed beers in every conceivable pocket in his bag. By the time he gets to the ninth hole he’s sufficiently lit and ready to consume more beers. Forget the numbers on the scorecard, he rates his success by the number of beers he can put in his bag.
8. Flip Flops/Golf Sandals Guy
Please, oh please, save the flip flops and golf sandals for miniature putt putt courses with windmills and dragon mouths. Yes, par threes and short courses suggest a more casual golf experience, but when I see golf sandals guy show up I just grimace. Even worse, is golf sandals guy taking it to another level by wearing black knee socks.
9. Slow Pace Guy
Most of us play short courses and par threes because we want a two-hour golf experience so we can return back to working at home or some other pursuit. But, nooooooo, this guy has to turtle his way around the course walking at pace more prevalent at an assisted living center. He’s typically slow at every other facet of the game, too, like lining up putts and searching endlessly for lost golf balls. Slow pace guy turns a two hour round into a three round with relative ease.
10. Bad Mood Guy
It’s a beautiful day and you’ve got a couple of hours and you’re walking on a short course or par three and you’re in a great mood, right? Then you run into this Doug Downer. He frowns when learns he has to be paired with you. He was wanting to play alone so, you know, he could work on his sorry ass game of shanked drives, chunked chip shots and three putts. A few seconds after introducing yourself to this sad sack and you know you should’ve just gone to the sports bar, played Golden Tee and enjoyed a craft beer.
